I left the apartment before Neil rose the next morning. Since the final moments of my romantic disillusionment occurred on a Friday night, I would have gladly departed that evening to cry to Talbert or my neighbor, Charlene. However, Talbert would be tending bar until after midnight and Charlene waited tables until closing. Opting to get out of the apartment complex, I decided to visit Talbert early Saturday morning. He came to the door bleary-eyed, a look that quickly dissolved into concern when he read my face. We sat together over a pot of steaming coffee while I related the events of the previous evening.

After we had lived together in Lawrence for a year, Neil’s parents assumed sufficient time had elapsed for him to make a decision about the seriousness of our relationship. They probably presumed that he would rather break up with me than take the romance to a more committed level. They may have pressured him in an effort to purge me from his life. Emasculated by his own indecisiveness, Neil preferred to become engaged and maintain our intimacy. This supposedly would satisfy his parents and make me happy. Neil knew that I wanted to get married, though I do not think I pressured him excessively. Circumstances made him feel rushed into a commitment for which he was not prepared. Our friends were getting engaged, married and some had babies. Neil enjoyed having a girlfriend and did not want to sacrifice me to loneliness. His parents, though trained in human biology, did not comprehend their son’s need for female companionship. Although Neil’s feelings extended beyond primal physiological need into an emotional attachment, he was simply too immature to get married.

I did not blame Neil for wanting to remain young and irresponsible. I was not in a hurry either to grow up and work everyday, as Talbert described, forgoing afternoon skating excursions. Had Neil explained his intentions from the beginning, I would have understood and respected his position. If we ended our involvement because one of us wanted a more permanent commitment, we both would have had to deal with that decision. At least I would not have felt deceived, and Neil would not have made a fool of himself. Until Talbert pointed out the foolishness of Neil’s diamond ring fiasco, I regarded him only as a spoiled young man with the money to buy an engagement ring to keep everyone quiet. His parents undoubtedly gave him the thousands of dollars necessary to put such an impressive rock on my finger. They certainly did not want to be embarrassed when their friends visited for the holidays and saw a tiny chip on their future daughter-in-law’s hand.

“Imagine how their friends gossiped when years passed and Prince Neil never got married,” Talbert mused with a sly grin that gave me a moment of satisfaction.

“Neil ultimately did what he wanted to do with his parents’ money and with me,” I added miserably. “Neil did what was right for himself.”

“Kate, you were in love,” Talbert excused. “When you are emotionally involved with someone, it is easy to ignore things that might be apparent to other people outside the situation. When you came to Carolina Tech, you were already dating Neil, then living with him. When you got engaged, I expected you to be married within a year. When that idiot didn’t marry you, I knew something was wrong.”

And I did too. Deep down, I knew something was not quite right with our engagement from the moment Neil unexpected proposed but did not want to hear anything about a wedding. While Neil claimed to love me and wanted to marry me eventually, he could not foresee that event in the future because both of us had long-term academic goals and uncertain geographic restraints after graduation. He hoped he might overcome these difficulties and the magical passage of time would prepare him to be my husband. Almost two years later, nothing had changed. Neil had not become more independent and did not want to relinquish his parents’ purse strings. At twenty-five years old, Neil was still a little boy attached to his parents by a financial umbilical cord that they seemed to manipulate at will.

I felt ashamed for wasting so much time isolated from civilization as Neil’s fiancée. When he first hedged the wedding question, I should have demanded an explanation and spared myself this humiliating experience. In spite of early misgivings, I went along with the engagement charade either hoping my doubts were normal bridal jitters or fearing that Neil would be my last chance for marital bliss after dumping Devin. Now I had to start over, alone. That frightened me after investing four years of my life in this bogus relationship.

“I have to find a new roommate,” I mused aloud. Neil might be sorry to see me go, but after our discussion, we both knew irreparable damage had been done to our union. We each needed to pursue our ambitions separately. The Doctors Fitch would probably be so delighted by my departure that they would express their pleasure in cash, to sooth their son’s broken heart and battered ego. I would certainly find a new situation in the fall, and I did not expect Neil to spend much time in Lawrence over the summer. We could live together platonically until I moved out.

“If you need a place to stay, you can always come here,” Talbert suggested.

At first I accepted Talbert’s offer as an act of kindness, then I wondered how he might have interpreted my showing up on his doorstep on Saturday morning. Maybe he assumed I wanted more than friendly conversation. Maybe he wanted to take advantage of me too.

“I thought our friendship meant something to you,” I reproached sadly.

“Kate, it does. I didn’t mean…”

But I stopped listening to Talbert and bounced back into a residual rage, unable to trust anyone. “Talbert, we have been friends for a long time. How can you suggest that I spend the night with you after my boyfriend just told me our engagement was a sham? I’m not desperate to get involved with another man!” I continued to shout angrily releasing pain and frustration. I should have challenged Neil like this when he refused to plan a wedding instead of lashing out at Talbert, yet I continued to attack my friend’s intentions.

“Kate…” Talbert ventured. “Kate?” He allowed me to vent for another minute before trying to get my attention again. “Hello, Kate?”

I paused to look at him through red eyes. I wiped tears off my face and sniffled like a sick child. Talbert smiled warmly and attempted to brush a tear off my cheek. I defiantly pushed his hand away.

“Kate, I’m gay.”

I paused continuing to rub my swollen face. “You’re what?” I asked quietly.

“I’m gay. So I am not inviting you to my home out of lust and a desire to take advantage of you. I am inviting you to stay here whenever you like out of friendship. And I do love you, Kate, but not in a way that you don’t need right now.”

A smile broke on my face and I laughed, “I’m sorry I accused you. I didn’t know.”

“Of course, you didn’t. I never told you. I choose to keep my personal life very private. I would have told you someday.”

My eyes narrowed teasingly. “What about all of that nonsense about not being ready to buy a house, get married, and have a family?”

“Oh, that. It sounds good. After saying it so many times it just falls out of my mouth. I didn’t say it to deceive you. And I’m not ready to buy a house yet or to work a fulltime job. I’ve never lied to anyone about it.”

“I’m so sorry I took my anger out on you.”

“It’s understandable. You were just jilted by a man you loved and trusted,” Good-naturedly, Talbert traded his natural voice for a high pitched effeminate stereotype and gestured comically: “Been there. Done that.”

I laughed hysterically and embraced my friend.

“And another thing,” he began as himself again, “If I were straight, I would have married you by now.”

“That’s the nicest thing anyone has said to me lately.”

When I left for Martinsville, Talbert welcomed me to come back any time. I usually did not skate on Saturdays since the Arctic Circle closed. The Martinsville Arena offered freestyle sessions on Saturday mornings that I heard were utter mayhem. However, I did not want to sit in the apartment or work in the laboratory. In my emotionally disheveled state, I ignored previous warnings and paid for admission.

The ice writhed with children ranging from a few years old to teenagers. All but the youngest could jump, and even they stumbled through a few singles. Some of the older, better-trained skaters landed big double jumps. Randall, Willa and a few other instructors worked with pupils of various ability levels. Willa smiled and waved to me, a surprised expression on her face, then she returned her attention to the little boy’s sloppy camel. I carved out a spot for myself to practice spins after circling the rink like an animated spaceship in a video game, dodging fireballs and arcade hazards. Experience with Stephanie and a few other adults who practiced programs taught me freestyle session etiquette. Stay out of the way of the program skater whose music is playing and yield to skaters working with a coach. Never having learned a program, I could not demand this courtesy of my contemporaries, yet I appreciated their willingness to avoid my lesson space.

Although I spent a significant portion of the session rightfully stepping out of someone’s path, I also managed to become engrossed in my exercises. I did not think of Neil or the offensive reality of our engagement. Centering sit spins with a vengeance, my free leg whipped around forcefully and settled into position. Practically sitting on my own Achilles tendon, I rotated swiftly drilling my edges into the ice.

Willa’s voice calling from several yards away awakened me from the depths of concentration. I glided over to where she was now working with two young girls.

“Kate, this is Beatrice and this is Hannah,” Willa began politely. “Girls, meet Kate.”

I had seen these children in the rink several times but did not know their names. I smiled warmly at the girls, who were probably in sixth grade. The kids grinned shyly at me. They happily cut me off or darted through my spinning area when not accompanied by Willa. Spoiled little kids, their parents had not stressed the importance of sharing. Unfortunately the parents of many young, though not necessarily promising, skaters impress upon their children that they are the most important individuals on the ice.

“Kate does a wonderful sit spin,” Willa continued, perhaps instilling a little respect for adult skaters in these self-centered children. “Show them how you do a sit spin,” she requested, turning toward me.

I had gotten used to demonstrating my skills in lessons and also for Vijay and Stephanie. An element performed for an on-looker was more likely to be one of my best efforts than a complete disaster. The sit spin I completed for Beatrice and Hannah twirled scant inches above the ice and left a small round scar as evidence of its precision. The girls looked at each other in surprise. They clearly did not expect to envy an adult skater.

Willa discharged me with a gentle touch to the shoulder, “Thank you, Kate.”

How did Willa know exactly what I needed to replenish my self-esteem after Neil reduced the worth of our relationship to the dollar value of a new camera lens? I glided away as she addressed her students. Leaning on the boards, I watched the little girls try to duplicate my spinning feat and fail miserably. Squat spins, all.

I left the Martinsville Community Arena feeling good about myself. Although I considered Talbert’s offer to come back to his apartment, I decided that I would ultimately have to face Neil and deal with my living arrangements. My concerns had been for naught, as Neil was not there when I returned. I did not see much of him during the final three weeks of the semester. When our paths did cross; he was polite and friendly, but understandably distant. I wrapped the beautiful ivory bridal fabrics in tissue paper and stored them in a box in my closet, ready for a move to a new home. I doubted that I could ever use these expensive yardgoods for my own wedding gown, assuming the opportunity presented itself in the future. They would always remind me of Neil and the unpleasant termination of our engagement.

Chapter 31 posted 5/16/01
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