I did not expect Carole to actually know what became of Devin McGee.
The autumn sunset reminded Devin of the years he spent on this campus with Kate before he decided to leave school to pursue what developed into a legitimate opportunity in landscape contracting. Devin walked with a mass of students who came to the university after work for evening courses to finish degrees, earn a master’s in a quest for promotion, or to start over. Devin had long ago given up his ambition to become a botanist. That conclusion did not leave him as disappointed as he had anticipated. Landscape work satisfied his love of greenery and flowering plant life, but he did want to advance in his profession and eventually own a landscaping service. Devin had decided to earn his degree in business. He already had most of the general education requirements and could take a couple of business classes at night each semester.
The concrete path terminated at a smoky glass wall and two swinging doors to the Student Union. He often stopped here for a cup of strong coffee, but just as often passed straight through carrying his own thermos. He used to meet Kate here … years ago, in another life, before he dropped out and she started dating someone else.
Devin’s eyes locked onto the profile of a woman sitting at one of the tables who looked up from a thick textbook to sip her cup of caffeine. Her hair was so lovely! His heart palpitated just as he stopped in his tracks causing other night students to dodge around him eager to get to their classes. Kate! His mind screamed with delight and longing, more longing than he ever felt over the loss of his botany major. What was Kate doing at Northern California State? She was supposed to be in South Carolina by now. Maybe she had come to her senses about the absurdity of studying for a doctoral degree and decided to move back home . The woman was so beautiful to Devin that she just as easily could have been an illusion.
He approached her cautiously, still disbelieving. “Kate?” he began.
Her hair fell back as she turned her face toward him. “Devin McGee?” she asked.
“Carole,” Devin immediately regretted the disappointed tone in his voice. He should have known this person could not be Kate, no matter how much she looked like his old girlfriend. “I thought you were -- ”
“You thought I was my sister,” Carole conceded sympathetically as she read the sorrow in the man’s features. “Have a coffee with me, Devin,” she offered kindly. Carole required five years to complete her pre-medical studies and was beginning her final year. In addition to carrying a load of difficult courses, Carole volunteered at a hospital, worked for a catering service waiting tables at weddings and retirement parties, and maintained a social life.
Devin put his backpack down on the other ice cream parlor chair and went to the trendy java counter for a cup of coffee. Devin missed his class that evening. He could not leave Carole and her stories of Kate. He could miss one class; he had missed many in his sporadic years as a student.
“Yes, Kate is still dating that guy from Virginia,” Carole admitted unhappily. She did not know Neil and he had not proposed to her sister yet, but she thought this dashing young man who spent money frivolously and treated her to luxurious outings had enchant Kate. Carole did not trust a man, even a college boy, who spent too much of his parents’ money impressing the ladies.
Devin visibly sank in his chair and hid a woeful expression behind a sip from his styrofoam cup. Although Kate had promised to keep in touch when they met during the summer before last, she sent one Christmas card and a graduation announcement, but Devin never heard from her otherwise. Maintaining a platonic long distance relationship with Kate would have been difficult or even agonizing for him, especially if she mentioned her escapades with Rich Boy, but he wanted to hear from her. She had to break up with that guy eventually. The novelty would wear off for one of them sooner or later, and Devin would be there to collect the pieces.
He never actually expected her to complete a doctoral degree, but to come home following the Master of Arts or shortly thereafter. Devin did not want Kate to think that he did not believe in her, but he tempered his belief with reality. While Kate was a bright girl, she was more accurately described as determined rather than brilliant. Kate could draw upon vast reserves of determination once enthusiasm and ability waned. This trait allowed her to continue to roller skate without lessons or parental support. Carole, though more intellectually gifted, possessed the same quality and focused it on the daunting task of becoming a medical doctor.
Kate had been determined to identify her “special gift”, as she always referred to this phantom talent that she believe lay undiscovered somewhere in her psyche. She chased this special gift out of California, to Virginia and to South Carolina. This obsession threatened to emotionally bankrupt Kate, as Devin did not believe that every human being possessed even finely focused genius. “Not everyone can be Einstein or Beethoven,” Devin would protest gently, trying to ascertain the depth of his girlfriend’s crusade.
“I don’t want to be Einstein or Beethoven,” Kate would retort, thinking more along the lines of Dorothy Hamill or someone else she admired. Unfortunately, after swallowing the fact that she would never become a successful skater, nothing could satisfy her. She might search forever and never replace the innocence of a childhood dream. No career, no matter how financially rewarding, could take the place of Kate’s dream to dance on skates.
Devin often picked Kate up at the bridal salon where she worked for most of her college years. The owner of the shop would sing Kate’s praises to Devin while she disappeared into the bathroom to change out of her skirt and stockings and into blue jeans for an evening with her beau. “Kate sold five wedding gowns today,” the woman reported smiling. “Kate is my best salesgirl.” The owner went on to tell him how Kate knew every gown in the stockroom, which literally housed hundreds of bridal dresses. She knew who designed each gown, the names of the fabrics and laces, and how long the style had been current. She could flip open a bridal magazine to the precise page advertising the gown. She matched headpieces, bridesmaids’ dress, and accessories. The customers loved her. Kate was enthusiastic and knowledgeable. She gave kind advice and honest but considerate suggestions. As soon as Kate sat down in the passenger seat of Devin’s old Volvo station wagon, he repeated the owner’s praise to his girlfriend.
“Maybe that is your special gift,” Devin suggested.
“What? Selling wedding dresses?” Kate blew a puff of frustrated wind through her lips. As much as she enjoyed working in the bridal shop and fantasized about becoming a designer, her lack of artistic ability drove the designing ambition from her system. She could not believe that her special gift in this world was as trivial as peddling wedding apparel. Devin did not succumb to the unique talent concept, but would have been happy to elicit such generous praise from his employer.
Kate could easily find a job after graduation as an assistant manager in a boutique or as a management trainee for a major department store, potentially owning a bridal salon someday; but she would not hear of it. She wanted to be a rocket scientist, accumulating graduate degrees and titles. All Devin could hope is that Kate would rise to her own level of incompetence and return home ready to accept reality.
Carole did not seem to believe Kate would be returning to California soon for anything more than a visit, and now that Neil took her for exciting vacations she might not come home very often at all. But Devin was not a hermit or a monk. He had dated other women since Kate dumped him for Neil. For several months he had been seeing a woman from the landscaper’s accounting office. She openly flirted with him even when he was still involved with Kate. Iris could hardly resist Devin’s sandy curls, sparkling green eyes, and densely muscled physique that continued to develop from hauling plants and unloading trucks. Devin gave in to her advances shortly after his final summer meeting with Kate. While he liked Iris, he did not experience the magical intensity of a college romance. He had come to accept that those feelings did not follow him from youth into maturity. Like his ex-girlfriend, he had to deal with reality.
Teasingly, Iris once asked Devin to take her roller skating. She had met Kate when Devin’s car had broken down and Kate picked him up from work. They had a pleasant conversation and Kate mentioned that she liked to skate. Iris’s sense of humor sent Devin into an unpleasant mood. She countered by accusing him of not being over Kate and, therefore, could not take their present relationship seriously. Iris was ready to get married and made no secret of her desire to marry Devin McGee. An attractive woman, Iris had kissed her share of frogs and was ready to start a family with a sincere partner. She feared her efforts were lost on Devin who seemed to be waiting for Kate like a sailor’s wife watching from the rooftop for ships returning from sea. Instead of taking her to the roller rink, or anywhere else, Devin dropped Iris off at her apartment and drove home alone.
Her suggestion conjured an image of Kate twirling around on the periwinkle floor of the roller rink causing painful memories to surface. Initially, the thought of Kate’s broken down white skates made Devin shake his head as a smile passed over his lips. Years of use had scuffed the white polish off the boots revealing the thin leather underneath. Creases marked the extra room in the toes where her foot stopped short of filling the boot. How Kate could even skate in those things was amazing. Devin knew nothing about freestyle skating, but he realized every eye in the place followed her around that blue floor. She danced with joy so pure and honest even the shabbiest equipment could not stifle her freedom. He once considered surprising his girlfriend with a real pair of roller skates for Christmas. Upon pricing the boots, chassis and wheels; he realized that he could barely afford to spend that much money on an engagement ring, something else he planned to purchase in the near future.
Devin encountered Carole frequently on campus during the academic year. They often shared a coffee break or said hello and chatted in passing. After their first meeting, Devin did not call Iris for days and avoided her at work. A wound had been torn open and it would not heal immediately. He still loved Kate. As weeks passed, he fell back into step with Iris and did not react as emotionally whenever he saw Carole at the state college. He never telephoned Kate in South Carolina, sent her a note, or asked Carole to relay a message from him; yet he hoped that Neil would dump her for a new conquest sending her running back to faithful Devin for love and comfort. It never happened; at least not while Devin would have been receptive.
Carole sat down in the campus pub and ordered a soda. Devin had asked to see her after his evening class. Since Carole always had a test looming around the corner, she stayed in the library studying until the appointed hour. Carole would finally be graduating in a few weeks. She filed applications at several medical schools and was confident one of them would accept her. Looking over her shoulder, she waved to Devin as he appeared in the doorway. The young man sat down and ordered a drink.
The two friends exchanged pleasantries including Devin’s usual “So how’s your sister?”
Neil had not surprised Kate with a diamond ring yet, but another man named Dr. Clive Butler was courting her. Kate had essentially decided to join his research program. She also started ice skating earlier that year at the Arctic Circle Ice Arena in Lawrence, South Carolina. Devin was happy to hear that Kate was skating again, something he knew she truly enjoyed.
“So what is the big news?” Carole asked anxiously as their polite exchange dwindled.
Devin nervously sloshed the beer around in his glass and watched it settle, leaving traces of foam clinging to the sides of the mug. He looked so uncomfortable that Carole momentarily feared that he intended to invite her for a romantic evening. Even though Kate was through with him, she could not date her sister’s ex-boyfriend, no matter how handsome he might have been.
Devin hesitated another moment, compounding Carole’s anticipation. “Iris and I are getting married next month.”
Carole looked at him blankly then produced a smile. “Well, congratulations,” she decided.
She wondered why he felt the need to discuss his personal life with her. Carole certainly did not need to bless this union. Maybe he wanted her to relay the information to her sister. Carole considered the ridiculous possibility that Devin may have hoped Kate would run back home to stop the wedding. Maybe he just wanted Carole to assure him that he had made the right decision since Kate did not even remember he existed. Devin searched Carole’s features for another comment.
“I don’t know what else to say,” she confessed. “I guess I’m surprised. I didn’t know you were that serious about Iris.”
Devin nodded absently.
“I don’t think Kate is coming back,” Carole blurted suddenly sensing his curiosity. “She and Neil seem pretty involved.”
Another silence followed as Devin sipped his beverage. “Iris is pregnant,” he finally stated.
Carole put her glass down on the table and reached a hand for Devin’s wrist. “Oh, Devin,” she began, “I’m sorry.” She would have never expressed sympathy if Devin himself had not seemed so unhappy. Immediately Carole felt that her condolences were inappropriate. “Should I be sorry?” she asked as a puzzled expression distorted her brow line.
“I didn’t plan this -- ”
“One never does,” the future doctor interrupted, assuming Iris had trapped unwitting Devin with this pregnancy.
“I care for Iris a great deal. She is a wonderful woman. She will be a good wife and mother. She has been in love with me for years.”
“For years? That sounds obsessive,” Carole interjected, psychoanalyzing.
“She liked me -- had a crush on me -- since Kate and I were dating before she moved to Virginia. Maybe I love her too. I just wasn’t interested in loving anyone after Kate; not for a while anyway. Sleeping with someone: yes. Companionship: yes. Love? I don’t know. I wish I didn’t have to make this decision now. I wanted to finish my degree before making another major decision.”
“Did you want to see Kate again?”
Devin swallowed the last of his beer and raised his hand to order another. “I’d be a liar if I said ‘no’.”
Carole sighed in dismay. She could see nothing good coming of this. She and Devin had become friends during this school year. While she did not exactly hope he would marry her sister, she wanted him to find happiness. This did not appear to be what either of them defined as sincere happiness. Maybe Iris was happy, but how long could she remain happy with a man who still loved someone else?
“Do you want me to call Kate?” Carole suggested. She did not know what that would accomplish, but it might offer Devin closure.
“No!” he demanded. “Kate doesn’t want me. She didn’t want me two years ago. Now she is living with this guy. Why should I think she is going to want me now, especially after I got another woman pregnant?”
The pain and anger in Devin’s voice made Carole feel unsettled. He was angry with Kate, Iris and himself. Carole did not have an answer for him. She wanted to suggest other options for Devin, but realized he was mature enough to know what they were and should be discussing them with Iris instead.
They met one more time before Carole’s spring graduation. Devin wore a cheerful smile as he saw Carole approaching the Student Union from the other direction.
“I won’t be at the graduation. We decided to get married in Tahoe that weekend,” Devin announced.
“I wish you the best, Devin, I really do,” Carole offered warmly.
“Thank you,” he replied.
“Are you happy?” she asked becoming pensive and concerned.
“I am, Carole. I had a lot of issues to deal with, but now I know I am making the right choice. I’m going to be a father. I can’t believe it! Me, a father!” His delight was genuine, and Carole began to believe that he had found joy in his situation.
“You will be a good father,” Carole added. “Good luck, Devin. I wish you the best.” She dropped her backpack to the ground beside her to hug the young man. “God bless you.”
“He has, Carole. He has.”
Carole thought of Devin on that May afternoon as she sat in a metal folding chair on the football field for her graduation ceremony. He was in Lake Tahoe, Nevada beginning married life and would soon have a child. Carole receive a mock-up diploma, proclaiming her Magna Cum Laude. In September she too would begin a new life, another step closer to becoming a medical doctor. Carole left California in August. She did not see Devin McGee again.
Instead of telephoning Devin’s parents, I decided to call my sister, Carole. We did not speak often. She was busy with medical studies; while school, skating, and various other activities consumed my time. I told her
I remained silent although I knew Carole had concluded her story. I swallowed so hard, the noise probably traveled through the telephone line to my sister’s ear. Daydreaming about Devin had been foolish. I had ended our relationship four years before, and Devin had already been married to Iris for two years. Their child was over a year old. Carole did not keep in touch with Devin after she graduated but suspected he was still in the Sacramento area and possibly taking night classes at the college. But I would not look him up. His life had moved on, as had mine. I needed to regain perspective, to honestly deal with my grief rather than hiding behind fantasies of old romances.
Carole interrupted the contemplative silence to ask about my skating.
“I learned how to do a layback this season.”
“A layback? I’m impressed.” Although Carole had little free time, she occasionally caught part of a televised skating competition.
“So, Kate,” she began, “Can you do an axel?”
 |
 |
Chapter 33 posted 6/20/01
The content of this site is copyright by K. J. N., 1999 - 2001