I gathered my skating bag, which had unfortunately begun to collect dust in a corner of my bedroom. Just as I switched off my radio and turned toward the door, Gwen’s voice called from the living room: “Kate, there is someone here to see you.”
‘Talbert,’ I thought without further contemplation. He promised to tape record a CD for me to bring to the rink. I hurried into the living room to find Gwen standing with the front door open. She stepped away from the individual whose identity she had been concealing. A smirk formed on my roommate’s face. It was definitely not Talbert.
I must have dropped my skating bag. “Howard, what in the hell are you doing here?”
The sunset framed Howard’s adoring face with a halo of fiery blond hair. His smile diminished as an expression of disapproval overwhelmed my features.
“That isn’t very nice, Kate,” Gwen reproached, “to ask your fiancé why in the hell he is here,” she mimicked. “I didn’t even know you were engaged.” Amusement threatened to produce a smile that would split Gwen’s face horizontally. This situation probably looked more absurd to her than it did to me.
Obviously, I was not expecting Howard Millbank to come to South Carolina for a visit. I had continued to speak to him over the telephone once per week, but only when he called. I could not afford too many long distance phone calls and had more important concerns than solidifying my relationship with Howard, whom I did not consider my fiancé. I never wore his ring or discussed the details of our Christmas rendezvous with my friends. Plus, I had more pressing issues to deal with than deciding whether or not I wanted to get married.
The only issue occupying my thoughts was getting to Martinsville with enough time to stretch my muscles and lace my boots before the start of the adult session. Howard showing up on my doorstep threw a proverbial monkey wrench into the works and fouled my plans for the evening; plans I desperately wanted to keep for the sake of my sanity over the next few weeks. At that moment, I did not want a boyfriend; I wanted an evening of ice skating.
Under ordinary circumstances, most women, myself included, would view a boyfriend’s unexpected sojourn as a sweet, loving gesture. Howard undoubtedly intended his visit to be a pleasant, and even supportive, surprise that should bring happiness into my otherwise stressful life. However, I felt angry with Howard for foiling my skating plans. Now I would have to spend the evening, and tomorrow evening as well, entertaining an unexpected guest instead of relishing a couple of days of peace, each concluding with a session of figure skating.
Talbert interrupted my thoughts, and a few moments of awkward silence, as he appeared in the still open doorway flourishing a cassette tape. “I thought I would miss you. Here’s the tape I promised.” Then Talbert noticed the handsome stranger standing in our living room. “This must be Howard Millbank,” he realized without a solitary hint. Talbert apparently recognized the man from my descriptions.
Howard extended his hand and the two men introduced themselves. Gwen joined the fun, playfully introducing herself to Howard, whom had obviously already told her he was my betrothed. By this time, tears of frustration stung my eyes as I looked at the three people desperately wishing they would step away from the door and simply let me pass.
Talbert was first to realize my tears were not brought on by joyous emotion. “What’s the matter, Kate?”
My mind had gone numb. I felt pin pricks in my cheeks, forewarning of a fainting or vomiting episode.
“I want to go skating.”
No one said much of anything other than volunteering to take Howard to one of the college town pubs for burgers and beer while I skated at the Martinsville Community Arena. The memory of that evening is painfully embarrassing, but it exemplifies my state of mind during my last semester of graduate school. I clung precariously to sanity, and any unanticipated or unwelcome event could send me into a rage or a funk. I am grateful for the patience and understanding of good friends who kept me grounded in reality during those months while providing support and healthy diversion.
I took Howard to the Martinsville Arena the next night. Unfortunately, I was an even less impressive skater after weeks off ice than I was over the Christmas holidays. Howard did not seem to notice or care. No matter where I took Howard, people gravitated toward him. Women flirted while men easily conversed with the gregarious young fellow. Stephanie and Vijay noted my reluctance to cling unwaveringly to Howard and openly accused me of misaligning my priorities. Howard Millbank was probably more physically attractive and sociable as an adult grocery manager than he had been as a high school icon. When I complained to my roommate about Howard’s unannounced appearance, Gwen insisted she would gladly take him if I no longer wanted him.
Howard had supposedly come to South Carolina to surprise and delight his stressed-out intended. Additionally, he wanted to convince me of his sincerity, something a diamond ring could no longer do. He insisted that he would be willing to move wherever I found employment even if it meant teaching high school again until he found a management job. Howard had been toying with the idea of returning to college to earn a graduate diploma in physical therapy, which would allow him to use his education, and athletic background productively helping injured athletes and laymen to return to their active lifestyles. While I praised his aspirations and was flattered, if not convinced, by his loving actions; Howard’s behavior probably impresses me more in retrospect. This is partially because I was too self-absorbed, at that time, out of survival instinct, to become consumed by the favors of a gentleman.
It is actually a wonder that I did not just run away from Carolina Tech with Howard Millbank. My resources were completely depleted. Random skating sessions and strong friendships were the only factors that kept me going. I do count Howard among those precious friendships that contributed to my eventual academic success. However, I did know one young woman who came to Carolina Tech filled with notions of intellectual greatness. She had left a fiancé behind in her hometown, a man like Howard Millbank. Horror stories told in the Consumer Science department and among other graduate students on campus, disillusioned this neophyte. Her convictions were not strong enough to allow her to reach her own conclusions, and the pull of her engagement was too powerful. She lasted one academic year at Carolina Tech. The girl went home for the summer and never returned. She married her boyfriend and found a job that her idealistic self had rejected as unworthy a couple of years before.
I could have easily taken the path followed by this woman. She was not the first to be lured away from the disappointments and rigors of education and into the comforting arms of marriage. Somehow I maintained my resolve, though I truthfully do not know how. I could blame it on simply coming too far not to finish, but people escape graduate school at the last minute quite frequently. The phenomenon is known by the common acronym, ABD, All But Dissertation. The ABD student has completed his research but has not written his dissertation. Many candidates leave school intending to finish their dissertations while gainfully employed and liberated from the daily stresses of academia. They often find other stresses and responsibilities in professional and family life that further diminish the importance of completing the formidable thesis and facing a panel of wicked ego maniacs for a final examination.
Since ABD is rather widespread, I had certainly not passed the point of no return. I could have quit at any time. I certainly had just cause. Dr. Butler was an uncaring creep, I could not find a job, and Howard Millbank was a prince.
Although I managed to enjoy parts of Howard’s stay, I remained somewhat displeased with him for barging in on my already overwhelming routine. Once Butler returned, I kept Howard away from campus, fearing the professor would claim the distraction would “slow me down” and use my boyfriend’s visit as an excuse to imprison me in his laboratory into the summer months. I cannot say I was unhappy to see Howard Millbank go. He had a rental car, so I did not even drive him to the airport. His very presence did distract me because I felt guilty leaving Howard alone all day while I worked. Since I was not in a position to take a few days off and frolic with my houseguest, I felt pressured to get home as soon as possible to spend time with him. Under Clive Butler’s watchful eye, I had work to do and expectations to fulfill. However, I did apologize to Howard for the reprehensible behavior I displayed upon his arrival, and he said he was sorry for popping in unexpectedly at an obviously very taxing time.
I believe Howard’s visitation motives also included wanting to protect me from Dr. Butler and possibly from myself. He had witnessed deterioration of my rationalism during the first months of the semester. Howard probably would have welcomed an opportunity to challenge Butler on my behalf, potentially kicking his teeth down his throat. He also offered an escape route, had I been receptive.
While he did not say it explicitly, Howard wanted to present himself as a suitable and worthy marriage partner. Although I still did not wear his engagement ring and even offered to give it back, Howard refused. I explained that I needed to graduate and settle down before making another major decision. Howard outwardly accepted that. However, had I told Butler to shove his diploma, Howard would have gladly driven me to Gatlinburg, Tennessee to seal our commitment in a picturesque little wedding chalet. But I did not utter words sounding like, or rhyming with, “Let’s get married”. And I have no idea why.
Dr. Clive Butler was out of town at a conference for a couple of days, leaving me in a fine mood. I worked a humane number of hours in the lab and came home with plenty of time to grab a snack, change clothes and drive to Martinsville for the evening adult session. I had not skated in three weeks and looked forward to gliding over the ice again, though I did not expect to pick up precisely where I left off. A few good spins would renew my inner strength for my loathsome advisor’s inevitable return to campus.
Chapter 48 posted 3/20/02
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