Finally a click signaled someone’s faraway answer to my telephone call. “Hello?”

“Hi, Howard,” I returned cheerfully.

“Kate?”

He sounded unusually surprised to hear from me. We had not spoken for several weeks, since my birthday in late October. Time had gotten away from me. Between work, skating three times per week, and maintaining a household by myself; I had little time for anything. Of course that was a vacant excuse for not ringing my boyfriend at least weekly, but he had not called me either. I had become so entwined in my routine that I had not noticed the absence of our phone calls. Lonesome as I was, I kept myself very busy and often collapsed in bed before Howard might have returned home from work, Pacific Time.

“Maybe we could get together for Christmas,” I ventured after a few pleasant though somewhat awkward exchanges. “You might like to come here, see where I live.”

A silence followed that immediately made my stomach knot. “I don’t think so, Kate,” the familiar voice replied evenly.

“Oh, okay,” I brightened. “Then I’ll fly out there. I only have a long weekend though. I don’t have much vacation time since I’ve only worked for this company since September.”

Again the pause swelled, transforming quiet into ominous. “Howard?” I probed.

“Yeah …” he sighed.

“I can come there. We can spend a few days.”

“I don’t think that would be a good idea.” Howard stopped thoughtfully then continued in subdued tones. His next sentence hung over the phone lines and lingered in my mind: “I’m seeing someone else.”

Howard Millbank shuffled through his mail while still standing under the overhang that sheltered the outdoor mailbox center for the entire apartment complex. As he sorted through junk mail, dropping it into the recycling bin the manager had conveniently provided, Howard said hello to several neighbors and loosened his tie. Almost lost among the garbage and bills, he found what he had awaited since his return from South Carolina, a letter from the Northern California State University Exercise and Movement Sciences Department. He hurried across the square and up the stairs to his apartment. As soon as the door closed behind him, hiding his reaction from onlookers, Howard ripped the envelope open.

He had been accepted!

Howard had been angry with someone on and off for much of his adult life. The objects of his resentment had included Heather, his high school sweetheart; his coaches, Frank, his parents, his teachers, his physical therapist, his boss … After the accident, he was primarily angry with Frank. Of course, Frank did not have to twist Howard’s arm to get him into the passenger seat. Howard never even thought to take the keys away from his friend, probably because he was just as bombed. Frank promised the allure of a local club where nubile coeds would be hanging out eager to go home with athletic college men. Since Heather dumped him, he had engaged in no promiscuous behaviors. He had done everything his hardnosed coach had demanded. He attended extra practice sessions, worked out, maintained a strict diet, studied, and stayed out of strange beds. All had paid off nicely at the national meet. Though he did not win any medals, he was in prime position to move up the next year, potentially making the Olympic team.

Frank had also followed Coach Massey’s strict rules, in complete contrast to his instincts. Both Frank and Howard had been stars as high school boys. They were champions, unbeatable on all but the highest levels. They were among the handsomest, most popular young men on their respective campuses. Both had dated plenty of girls, though Howard eventually settled down to a steady relationship with one beautiful young lady named Heather. He could have had many flings as a college swimming star. He was also a popular fellow on the university campus. But he remained loyal to Heather and thought about marrying her after they both graduated. The Olympics and a prosperous amateur career would put him in line for coaching opportunities, and he could guide other young athletes as they swam for glory.

Heather threw the first monkey wrench into his plans. While he was away on scholarship, Heather had met a pre-medical student. She married him the summer before he started medical school. Howard was terribly bitter, and his animosity placed him on a self-destructive course. He had faithfully turned his back on attractive young women in tight designer jeans, who tempted him with delicious flirtation. Before he could rush out and find another willing partner, his coach demanded a rigorous training regimen in preparation for the competitive season.

With the national championship over, Frank was primed for long awaited excitement. Already uninhibited from a few drinks in their hotel room, Frank decided to hit a college bar where he heard the women were willing to party. Howard, hungry for a little action to spite Heather and to satisfy his own physical needs, found the prospect stimulating and gladly joined his teammate.

Rather than awakening the next morning in the arms of a gorgeous blonde college girl, he regained consciousness days later in a hospital bed. His leg had been saved, but he had months of recuperative work ahead of him and no scholarship for the next academic year. His athletic career was over. It could have been worse. Frank had died en route to the hospital. His life was over.

Howard spent many weeks angry with Frank; many weeks before therapy redirected his anger toward himself allowing him to mourn the loss of his friend. Attempting to accept the changes in his life took even longer. Whatever pity Howard’s parents may have felt for their son, they dealt with him sternly. As soon as he could get out of bed, they forced him to perform the exercises recommended by his physical therapist. They encouraged him to enroll at Northern California State and finish his degree. They told him to get a job and ultimately encouraged him to move out of their house. Annoyed by his parents, Howard was happy to get away from them, though he later came to realize they only pushed him out of the nest so he could continue with his life, to make the best of the other gifts he had been given. Howard had survived an accident that had ended the life of his friend. Howard Millbank had another chance to make something of himself … something else.

Seeing Kate at the Cambridge Hills grocery store came to Howard as a blessing. He remembered Kate from high school French class. She had winged feathery hair like Farrah Fawcett, and Howard loved to gently pull on those waves, eliciting looks of displeasure from the pretty recipient. He loved the way Kate swung around and scowled at him. It drove him crazy, and he could not help but grab those locks again and again. He was too shy to actually talk to Kate and transferred out of that class the next week in favor a Spanish class that would give him easy grade points on his transcript.

A couple of months later, Howard recalled observing a strange girl in the corridor talking to a boy with spiky bleached hair and fashionably tattered clothing. He had to look more than once and even approached cautiously to recognize that the freaky chick in the black jeans and spooky make-up was the same cute Farrah clone he had teased during the first week of school. Howard could not remember ever having a conversation with Kate as a high school student. They moved in different circles and she graduated a year early. He rarely noticed her again and certainly did not miss her after she had gone.

Then she literally appeared before him ten years later, transformed back into a lovely young woman, the natural evolution of her true self, free of whatever fad had taken hold of her personality during the awkwardness of adolescence. This was the girl Howard would marry. His life had been spared, so he could meet Kate again and make her his bride. Had he stayed at the university and become an Olympic athlete, he would have never encountered Kate in the grocery store. Assembling circumstances that originally appeared senselessly cruel, Howard molded them into something positive and meaningful. Finding the wife of his dreams and the mother of his children might be an acceptable trade-off.

Kate wore no ring. He asked her to join him for dinner.

Howard did not think of Kate as a skater; she was a graduate student who skated. She skated as a hobby, in direct contrast to his swimming. He was still a swimmer, first and foremost. He could not disassociate himself from that identity. He was a swimmer who had squandered his chance, thrown away his opportunity to make a future for himself for the seduction of a wild night on the town, to celebrate his victory and purge his system of heartache. Howard was a swimmer who had worked as a teacher and now assistant managed a produce department. When his therapist recommended swimming as part of his recuperative program, Howard defiantly refused. He could not view himself as someone who only swam for therapeutic reasons or simple recreation. Howard eventually returned to the pool, as soon as he could view the glistening chlorinated water without wanting to drown himself in it.

Kate, on the other hand, was not a skater above all else. She may have wanted to be a skater somewhere in her youth, but circumstances precluded the possibility, so she defined herself in other ways. She possessed willpower and determination. She persevered when others would have understandably conceded. But Kate had devoted herself to her education. As much as she loved skating, she resolved to strive for something else. She had to. Kate was not a skater.

When Howard summoned the courage to critically evaluate his position, he realized he was not a swimmer either. Maybe he had been a swimmer once, long ago, in another reality; but he was not a swimmer anymore. Kate’s example, more than counseling sessions, helped him to realize this. If she could preserve skating in a corner of her soul, nurturing that passion while making herself a credible adult through other avenues, Howard might be able to do the same for himself. He certainly was not satisfied packing-out vegetables and did not want to return to a career as a physical education teacher.

Although he shared his supposed landmark decision with Kate, she seemed too distracted to comprehend its importance in his personal journey of self-discovery. After she recovered from the initial shock and inconvenience of his arrival, Kate appeared to enjoy his visit. She smiled and introduced him to her friends and maintained a sunny attitude, though Howard realized, based on more subtle cues, beneath her cheerful façade turmoil brewed. Howard did not understand the nature of her stress, though he was quite convinced that this Clive Butler character was a classic bastard. But Howard wanted to be there for her as a friend, as a fiancé, or as an escape hatch. He would not have been disappointed if she left school and married him but recognized that might lead to regret, something they did not need in their future. For the time being, Kate preferred to accept Howard as a boyfriend.

Howard was upset when Kate did not drive him to the airport, but understood that she had work to do and his visit had been unexpected. She had done her best to accommodate him when he had accomplished little more than placing her in an uncomfortable position. He did not fully fathom the level of Kate’s anxiety until he spent a week with her at Carolina Tech. He was actually relieved to get away from her too, and to let her follow her chosen path to its conclusion. Summer was coming. She would graduate soon and transform back into the angel that had approached him at the corn display, a grown-up version of the adolescent princess in his French class.

But May did not bring Kate’s doctoral commencement. Instead she announced that she was going to England with her roommate the next month. Kate barely heard Howard when he told her he had been accepted into the physical therapy graduate program at Northern California State. He expected her to be thrilled and say she would come home so they could celebrate, but she had already bought an airline ticket to accompany Gwen. Arguing with Kate was useless. She had made her decision, without consulting him. If she had time for Gwen, she should have time for her boyfriend, especially if she were seriously considering their engagement. Howard found it difficult to attribute all of Kate’s actions to stress, as she so easily did. Kate could have done anything and pointed at her nasty advisor as the root of her abhorrent behavior. Howard doubted she was being intentionally hurtful, but decisions she may have made with the best intentions sent an unambiguous message to him. Their relationship did not rank at the top of her priorities roster. Howard would try to remember that.

Since Kate would not be around to provide pleasant diversion, Howard decided to sign up for a night class during summer session to get a head start on his studies. For the first time since university swim team, he felt excited about something. Howard would devote his career to helping other people recover from injury, whether their everyday routines included serious athletics, recreational sports, or merely an active lifestyle. As a former competitive athlete, he could sympathize with others who had been injured or disabled. A rewarding contribution, this choice would bring sense to Howard’s misfortune. Howard wanted to give something back to the world of sport. He had enjoyed the opportunity to be a collegiate and elite athlete. He had been born with talent and motivation, and his parents had supported his interest. He never realized how blessed he had been, until he met adult Kate. She may have possessed the determination and possibly even a glimmer of talent but she lacked the family environment to cultivate that promise. Although adult skating enriched Kate’s life, it could not realistically develop into more than a hobby, or perhaps an obsession. Howard believed his missed chance was preferable to not being given a chance at all.

Howard was sorry that Kate had not been offered an opportunity to explore her potential as a young person, but he believed she had been endowed with other gifts, primarily her fortitude and resiliency. Howard felt too sorry for himself to pity anyone else. He wished he had the courage to delve into another ambition. He wished he were as intelligent as Kate. She would become a doctor of philosophy, possibly occupying office space in the academic ivory tower.

Applying to the physical therapy program was the best decision Howard had made, perhaps in his entire life. As he met fellow students, he learned of other people’s trials and what led them to this calling. He felt less self-indulgent and more compassionate. He formed friendships and developed perspective. Every week, he looked forward to the two evenings he spent on campus, often meeting with colleagues after class for coffee and discussion of lecture topics, upcoming exams and assignments.

One individual stood out among the others, a woman about his age named Shannon. Cute with ruddy freckles and a mane of curly red hair, Howard found her fresh wholesome look delightful. Like him, she had been a high school athlete, though not at Howard’s level. She had majored in exercise science and was employed as an aerobics instructor and fitness trainer at a health club. Wanting to expand her career potential, Shannon chose physical therapy over earning a teaching credential, a decision Howard reinforced with tales of his own misadventures. They usually met as part of a study group after class, but spent enough time talking in the halls to exchange experiences. Howard felt a kinship with Shannon. Her athletic background matched his more closely than Kate’s, though Shannon did not share his sense of remorse over lost opportunity.

Howard engaged in internal debate over asking Shannon to join him for coffee in the Student Union when the rest of their classmates preferred not to gather that evening. He justified the invitation by telling himself Kate had not accepted his proposal, and he was not bound to her by a commitment to marry. Kate explored her uncertainty, he should have equal right to test his. Shannon cheerfully agreed and they talked late into the night. Howard began to make a habit of having coffee with Shannon after class, whether in a group context or as a couple of friends. He teetered on the edge of asking her to meet him for dinner or lunch, but stopped short out of guilt. That sounded too much like a date, and Howard was definitely not ready to date someone else. He was quite sure Kate was not dating other men. She did not have time. Howard’s conscience could justify a cup of coffee but not a full meal.

As the summer term drew to a close, he found himself undeniably entranced by Shannon. They seemed to share so much in common. He delighted in their friendship and looked forward to her pleasantly twinkling green eyes greeting him in the corridor before class. Admitting to himself that he was attracted to Shannon made him uncomfortable and confused. He began to worry about Kate’s graduation and having to relocate to join her, possibly accepting a job as a schoolteacher again. Maybe he would not be able to complete his physical therapy training. Accompanying Kate, a prospect that appealed to him a just few months ago, no longer seemed to meet his needs. Howard realized that he had found purpose; he had discovered something that he wanted to pursue other than Kate. He also fancied someone else, a sweet redhead whose goals melded with his own.

Howard called Kate infrequently over the summer, assuming she could not handle more distractions. They would talk more after she survived her thesis defense. Howard telephoned to wish her luck, which she apparently thought she needed and gratefully accepted. A few weeks later she proclaimed her decision to spend her free time after graduation with Talbert. For Howard, Kate had delivered the final blow, not only to his ego but also to their potential union. Howard became so furious, he immediately asked Shannon for a date, as much out of spite as latent desire. Facing Kate’s unequivocal rejection, he felt justified in dating another woman. Her conduct relieved Howard from the burden of guilt. While he never intended to use Shannon to get even with Kate for so gracelessly avoiding him, events compounded one into the next. He continued to see Shannon during fall semester, socially and later romantically.

Originally, anger motivated him not to tell Kate the truth. Then he formulated numerous excuses including he was “just friends” with Shannon, a condition he realized no longer applied. Howard could not avoid the image of Kate in the grocery store, holding a bag of sweet onions. He had loved her. Fate had certainly brought them together. He could not escape that impression, the sense of urgency he felt to satisfy some great cosmic purpose, to marry the girl whose hair he had pulled in a high school classroom. Somehow Howard believed their unfulfilled athletic ambitions bonded them to each other. A shared past and mutual youthful attraction drew them together years later in an unlikely reunion that looked like an act of God, to someone desperate for a miracle. Eager to rationalize his circumstances, Howard may have mistaken coincidence for destiny.

Shannon presented the missing piece in his tumultuous puzzle. Kate’s role now made sense to him. Unknowingly, Kate had inspired him to discover new ambitions. Without her he may have never decided to study physical therapy and consequentially would not have met Shannon. Howard felt a sense of closure, an understanding of his place in the world. He could accept the accident, his injury, and the premature conclusion of his precious swimming career. Those events led him to where he stood now. Shannon -- not Kate -- was the woman he was meant to marry.

Chapter 55 posted 7/16/02
The content of this site is copyright by K. J. N., 1999 - 2002
www.skatejournal.com